oxford: week 3

have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart... live in the question.
— Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet

i was looking for a different rilke quote to match with this post, but i couldn't find it. our shakespeare teacher read it to me and my scene partner last night before we began working. oh well.


i am relieved to report that i am not writing this at 6:00 am, although it is definitely 2:01 am. i really ruined my sleep schedule and gave up on fixing it again when i realized i only had a few days left in the uk.

guys. i only have one day left of classes. that's absolutely insane.

as expected, i received many a concerned email from my parents after my last post. y'all, i am super fine. they made me laugh.

okay, here's what i've been up to during week 3 (in bullet form because nothing was exciting enough to warrant me writing about it sooner):



  • guest class with alex waldmann (brutus is rsc's julius caesar), which was actually my favorite guest class thusfar
  • free coffee at jericho for sharing my notes from said guest class with the barista (score!)
  • lots of rehearsals
  • lots of crying about getting frustrated over miranda
  • lots of joy when i sort of figured miranda out, bit by bit
  • last ride on charlie, and i was a mess
  • getting stuck in the rain for over an hour because my taxi never came after my ride
  • haircut
  • punting with my cousin and his friends!
  • new photo collection

my time here flew, and i will obviously write a farewell post, and i'm not even sure if i want to be writing this post right now, but i'm feeling guilty that i'm so far behind on writing, and i need somewhere to put pictures, so this honestly won't even be a great post.

if i've learned anything from my last post, it's that i have significantly more patience with other people than with myself, whether it be classmates or teachers.

riding in the rain on charlie, the weirdest moose

riding in the rain on charlie, the weirdest moose

it's no secret that i've been getting frustrated with whatever expectation i am asking myself to live up to with miranda, when there is literally no expectation beyond being false and sucking. i get stressed every time i have to rehearse the scene, so much so that my heart rises into my throat, and thinking in a straight line becomes nearly impossible. i always feel on the brink of whatever, and i can never really get there myself, which makes me feel really incapable.

my biggest fear coming out of acting school this year was that i would never be able to do the best work i ever did in school in the real world, because most of the time the best work i ever did was aided by someone pushing me to do it. an that's been true of what my work here has been like. and i guess it's true that when you're working on a production or a film, you'r.e always in process, and you will always have people working with you on getting better and dropping into a character better. but i guess what i'm really feeling is starting to be afraid of auditioning-- because i never was before-- because i'm starting to be afraid of not being prepared enough.

i guess being afraid comes with the career. blerg.

now playing: 'skinny love' by bon iver