adapting

i definitely knew i would stop blogging frequently when i came back to new york, because i knew that my motivation to blog was rooted in the need to make sure my parents weren't worried about what i was doing on a weekly basis while i was in england.

but now i'm back home and the seasons are beginning to turnover, and the days are shorter, and i've started going to the library. and i wear my glasses more frequently and i changed my schedule to something i wanted from something i thought would impress my "normal" college friends who spend hours in the library each night learning equations and curing cancer.

and i started to stick to my i-will-not-surround-myself-with-people-who-treat-me-poorly policy, and i think i'm learning how to be nicer to the people i love most, and i think i'm learning to ask for what i want without apologizing for myself. and and i think i'm learning how to finally get my leg underneath me when i ride, but i don't think most of you understand how important that last part is to me.

i spent my first two weeks in school in a history class i was absolutely miserable in. the class primarily consisted of men who liked to take my ideas and pass them off as each other's, and the ta apologized that i had to deal with it, but oh so kindly encouraged me to try harder to make my voice heard. as if i weren't already. and when i told my classmate i was going to drop the class, he told me it was probably because i didn't care about all the people who died during the war. and so i walked out and dropped it immediately.

the one thing i want to learn is how to tell people i don't want to spend time with them, but i don't think that's something i can learn to do, because i don't think it's socially acceptable. there definitely isn't a gentle way to tell someone, "hey, i appreciate that you care about me and want to hang out, but i just don't feel the same way." no matter how i say it, it probably wouldn't go over well.

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saying goodbye never gets easier, and i wish that was something that could be learned. i wish heartbreak didn't exist, and i wish my face didn't fill with pins and needles when someone i'm in love with disappoints me, or asks for something for himself that doesn't align with what i need in that moments. and i wish that i didn't manipulate him into getting what i want as a means of getting back at him when i feel manipulated.

i'm really proud to see the people i love most learning about themselves, and learning how to live in the world the way they want to. nothing makes me happier than seeing my best friends finding joy in their lives, and receiving the love they give to other people.

even when my best friend struggles, she always handles it with poise and wakes up in the morning to try again. i could say the best thing she ever gave me as my platonic true love is kindness and understanding. but really the best thing she ever gave me was the fact that she still wakes up, and gets dressed, and feeds herself and showers, despite how hard her mind is making it for her to do all of these things whose ease most people take for granted. and so when i don't feel like getting out of bed, or walking to class, or getting chores done, i always have her there as a reason to do all of the things that would otherwise be very easy. and i love her for that the most, i think.

now playing: '6/10' by dodie